we'll keep us a secret.
no one will know what goes on in our secret lives.

because in it we only have each other.

for HIM.


tuesday was bad cause the sink got stuck and i had to fix it.
wednesday was worse because i never felt more alone.
today at least its slightly better.



i'm looking forward to museum hopping.
not just because of the company.
but because i'm a closeted nerd.
and a whole day with him makes the sun shine brighter.


if i were a boy,
i wouldn't destroy us.

you see, come to think of it. i realised. i dont love you anymore. you're keeping too many secrets. keeping yourself away from everyone. that no one knows who you are anymore. i loved you. loved. and for that. i dont regret anything i did. but will you? maybe i dont want to know. because i know i was happy. until you decided. i may still hold on to the old you and never let go. maybe i want things to be how they used to be. how close we used to be. but somehow i know that we dont have that anymore. but im no longer heartbroken. cause i realised. i see it as it is now. my heart still yearns a little. but fuck. i dont like the way you are now. i'm going to be who i am on the 12th. and. i dont think i'll forgive myself if my heart moves for you.
because its moving for someone else.

i got asked out to go to the museum. i'm beyond happy.

1. Comment with a request to see absolutely anything on my computer. My desktop, my documents, my bookmarks, my WIPs folder... absolutely whatever you are curious about. Request it. I will respond with a screenshot of the very thing you request.

2. Ask me to take pictures of any aspect of my life that you're interested in/curious about -- it can be anything from my favorite shirt to my cell phone to my car. Leave your requests as a comment to this entry, I'll snap the pictures and post them back here. It's like a glimpse into my world!

my laptop never fails to amaze me as to how slow and mean it can get.

america's next top model. lets get it on!
and i dont like the sheena woman.

i got no bras to wear now. damn it.

Picture This! Mandy Gilbert (Ashley Tisdale) is an unpopular teen at Nottingham High School. She has an overbearing father named Tom (Kelvin Pollack) and has only two friends, Alexa and Cayenne. She is constantly bullied on by the popular girls of school, specificly Lisa. And it so happens she is in love with Lisa's boyfriend, the popular Drew Patterson (Robbie Annell). She is about to turn 18 and wants her life to change. She wants to be noticed by Drew.

number one. drew is so hot.
number two. its like every other disney chick flick out there.
number three. everything is so expected.

i watched it for the guy. so?

you dont even try.
but somehow you manage to break me.
you breathe in my flaws
you accept me.
but now you've left.
i'm empty.

so, i miss the one thing that has kept me up when i was at my lowest. and i cant seem to find it anymore. singapore is good at destroying swings. damnit.

i can't even tell you in words.

okay, i know the blogskin is kind of boring at the moment. but please forgive me for now. i'm just too damn lazy to do anything more to it.
i did the abstract and introduction for my report. success! even though i'm only seven hundred words into the report. i feel better knowing that i'm doing my stuff on time.
its the holidays this week. hopefully i can get the report done. and it being a public holiday tomorrow, i can't get out of my house knowing that there is going to be a human jam. knowing where i live, at least during the holidays i have tv. and the internet if i dont have shows on tv. sometimes i just wish i have cable. haha. and i can watch cartoons all day long.
hopefully i can go to Rosey's house on wednesday. Thursday will be a day spent with friends to take nice photos. which i will post up here. yes, long awaited photos in this damn blog that looks so empty. cause all there is are words.
i can't wait for birthday knowing that i'll be spending with with friends. with awesome dinner. singing. eating and more eating.

i'm going to work out during the holidays. skipping and eating less. and doing things that i have neglected for a long time.
Haruna! can we sign up for dance classes?

can i pay someone to go update my links?

i just finished chapter three.
my fingers are hurting.
now my head hurts as much just thinking about the report.

so nessa, GO DO THE FUCKING REPORT!

geeky moment was when i saw the trailer for the new Wolverine movie. but still no Gambit.
there goes the love of my life.

You know, I was actually being a good girl and forced myself to go to class only to find out that I have lab and I was in the wrong attire. So I had no choice but to skip class. Do not kill me people.
I have no idea why I haven’t been to school lately. I haven’t been sleeping well and all. I think I need to see the doctor. Or a shrink.
Birthday is two weeks away, holiday starts tomorrow. I guess I’m good, considering that I have a report to do, hopefully we can all go Rosey’s house to do it even though I’m the only one on a different report. But who really cares? So long as I do my report.
Now I’m bored out of my head. I’m going home early. Return DVDs and go to work. I’m done watching CSI. Waiting for high school musical 3 to come out.
Anyway, I was walking towards class when I saw the bored set up for PP presentation. Thank god that part of my life was over. Sarah! Now you turn! Haha.
I would stop thinking of what ifs if I could only do so. But its not the way the mind works. You can try so hard but nothing seems to work. Not now, not anyway.

there's never been a night i didn't think of you.
there's never been i night where i pray this isnt true.
i'm trying to stop feeding lies to myself.
it simply isnt good for my health.
part of me dies seeing the light dim in your eyes.
i'm sorry love but no more lies.
honesty was all i asked of you.
was it so hard to give me the truth?
maybe all we need is a little time spent with each other.
maybe that would be our answer to forever.
i think i'm on the brink of insanity.
thinking of all the possibilities.
and somehow deep down i know we were meant to be.
but i guess you were just too blinded to see.
between you and me.
i'm trying my very best to be happy.
but this is all just too much to take.
knowing that my heart cries and the smiles are fake.
i remembered dreaming of us hand in hand.
bound to each other by a golden band.
knowing that we can last forever,
knowing that we go through everything forever.

all lies.

i got my birthday wish.

i got new X-men cartoons.
and im happy.

Nasri's open house, which the pictures will not be posted because i'm amazingly lazy. HAHA. but it was fun today, i met so many new people. Shaun was nice and i met Praveena today as well. A friend called BamBam. And i invited Praveena for my birthday cause she's so nice.

I'll add the links to the photo as soon as my other friends adds them on their blogs.

Birthday this year will be a meaningful one because i get to spend it with people i care for. But i guess it wont be complete if the birthday wish this year is not fulfiled. Which is for you to spend the day with me. Like we used to.

i am making a monkey ass leap.
yes.
i havent texted him in a day.
judos to nessa!

Chapter 330 is out and its the best one so far. My Three favourite Shinigami are being featured here. Matsumoto being her as she always is but i swear, if she dies. I'll boycott Bleach for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure Hitsugaya and Soi Fon will won anyway. Captains what. Sure win one. But war is not a war with the full Geotei 13.



okay. geek moment.
have to go work and i'm so sleepy.
gosh.

22daystobirthday!

i dont know whats wrong with me.

i just want to run to someone and let it all out.
doesn't matter who.
better still, fall asleep in someone's arms.
so that, when i cry when i sleep, they can wipe my tears away for me.

iTOUCH FOR BIRTHDAY!


im in gay boy heaven.

i cant cry anymore.
because i couldnt.

i wasted everything on you.

i've been pms-ing for very obvious reasons.

and i never pms.

you're dead to me.

i see you walking.
like there's an air around you that draws you to me.
i see the sneaking glances at the corner of my eyes.
there's the attraction.
and then we walk past each other like nothing happens.

I SAW JONATHON WOODHOUSE.
in a crisp white shirt and black skinny jeans.
these are the moment when you turn back when he walks past you.
because you get to see that cute ass in full view.
i'm in gay boy heaven.

itsmyformofclosure.
letsjusthopethatitwouldbethelastyouhearfromme.











iloveyou.

empty voices keep ringing in my ear.
i just keep wishing that you were here.
i remember you lying next to me.
i remember that there was no place else i wanted to be.
maybe you wondered how i ended up with you.
i'd give you an answer; simply because i love you.
i never expected much.
but i guess i ran out of luck.
it wasnt long before you left.
and everytime i listened to our song.
i kept thinking; where did i go wrong.
i cry for hours and i keep thinking.
what did i do to deserve this.
my heart was all i have to give.
even now tears keep pouring down my face.
its memories of you i can't erase.
i think about you everyday.
and what i used to think was: ALWAYS.

a sudden memory just popped up. a memory of a late night. a memory of us.
sitting down near the sea, its black and endless, its right infront of us. you could smell the sea where we were. i was lying on your lap, my sweater covering me and your arms around me because i was cold. we were talking about absolutely nothing. but we were laughing. happy. happy that we were together. happy that we had each other. happy for the hidden kisses. happy for everything we had between us. i never laughed so much when i did with you. because you. just you. made me happy.

then another memory hits me in the head. a knock on the door, not sure who it was. i hesitated opening it. but i was glad i did. because there you were. with food in your hands. i was sick. you asked me for a cigarette. i gave it to you. i closed the door and i start crying. immensedly touched by your actions. i fell in love with you all over again.

now, i look at our pictures and i'd scream at myself. i kep asking myself where did i go wrong. even though the odds were against us. we fought through it. 10 fucking months and its all thrown away.
you ignore me and you keep quiet because you have nothing to say.
i stay silent because i have too much to say and i dont know where to start.

let this be the beginning and the end.
i love you.
and i told you that i'll never leave you.
so i guess you took the chance and left.
you left me here with no one to fall to.
no chances.
no safety net.
nothing left.
i look at you and i forget eberything i wanted to say.
i look at you and i revel in the last bit of concern you have for me.
baby, there wasn't closure.
i dont want one.
i just want you to say that you believe in us and that we'll start all over.


i wont be stupid and say go find soneone new.
i'll be happy if you are.
that will make me a hypocrite.

i still love you as tears are pouring down.

the part where the end starts stared a long time ago.
i'm still lost.
and confused.
whats worse now.
i'm numb.

you hurt me so much more now that we were together.

i dont understand how i can go on like this.
i havent stopped crying.
i havent been feeling better.
in fact, i feel worse.
so much worse.

maybe he blames me, i dont know.
but at a time when i need him.
blowing me off the way you did was just too much for me.

what is this?
together?
friends with benefits?
friends?
or nothing at all.
how about making this clear so that i'll know what to do.
how to react?

thats when you say hello to comfort eating.

i can't stop how i'm feeling.
its just the way that i am now.
i just need something clear from you before i go insane.
and thats something that i dont want right now.

cs says not to cry because its not worth it.
and maybe, this is going to be one of the many times he's right.

you should find someone who is worth you time.
someone who is everything you wanted.
someone who you wouldn not let go even if it kills you so.
cause i know it isn't me.

i can't move on and i can't let go because i dont know how.
every night i can't sleep because you're always there in my head.
and now i'm sick.
i miss you.

so many things i want to ask you.
but i know you wont answer me.
its like i'm the black plague and you're running away from me.
when i'm running towards you.
its not fair how this all ends.
it still hurts.

i tried to stop myself many times from crying.
because i said that i was done crying.
but i guess i'm wrong.
i havent been sleeping well that my whole body is breaking down.
my mental and emotional health is already gone.
thank you very much.

it just keeps slipping through our fingers doesn't it?



the world slow.
but my heart is fast right now.
i know this is the part that the end starts.